Joke: Morbid Little Willie Poems

I remember finding these in my school library about 40 years ago. They’re still kinda fun!

Willie saw some dynamite,
Couldn’t understand it quite;
Curiosity never pays:
It rained Willie seven days.

Willie, with a thirst for gore,
Nailed his sister to the door.
Mother said, with humor quaint:
“Willie, stop! You’ll mar the paint.”

Little Willie, full of glee
Poured radium in Grandma’s tea.
Now he thinks it’s quite a lark
To see her shining in the dark.

Little Willie hung his sister.
She was dead before we missed her.
Willie’s always up to tricks.
Ain’t he cute! He’s only six.

Will fell down the elevator.
Wasn’t found ’til six days later.
Then the neighbors sniffed, “Gee whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is.”

Little Willie, mean as hell,
Threw his sister in the well!
Said his mother, drawing water,
“Sure is hard to raise a daughter.”

Little Willie’s dead and gone.
His face we’ll see no more.
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.

Willie, I regret to state,
Cut his sister into bait.
We miss her when it’s time to dine,
But Willie’s fish taste quite divine.

“There’s been an accident!” they said,
“Poor Willie’s cut in half; he’s dead!”
“Indeed!” his father said, “Then please
Send me the half that’s got my keys.”

In the family drinking well,
Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
She’s still there, because it kill’t ‘er.
Now they drink it through a filter.

Willie poisoned Auntie’s tea.
Auntie died in agony.
Uncle came and looked quite vexed.
“Really, Will,” he said, “What next?”

Little Willie with a shout,
Gouged his sister’s eyeballs out;
Stamped on them to make them pop.
Mother cried, “Now, William, stop!”

Willie opened Sister’s head
To see if brains are gray or red.
What a naughty boy is he
He shall have no jam for tea.

Little Willie from the mirror
Licked all of the mercury off,
Thinking in his childish error
It would cure his whooping cough.
At the funeral Willie’s mother
Smartly said to Mrs. Brown,
“T’was a chilly day for Willie
When the mercury went down.”

Will was lying on the track.
The engine gave the worst of squeals.
Now they’ve had to stop the train
And scrape poor Will from all the wheels.

Dr. Will fell in the well
and died without a moan.
He should have tended to the sick
and left the well alone.

Willie and two other brats
Ate the poison for the rats.
Father said, when Mother cried
“Hush, now, dear. They’ll die outside.”

Late last night we slew our Will,
Laid him on the parquet flooring;
We were loath to make the kill,
But we had to stop his snoring.

Willy, in his nice new sash,
Fell in the fire and burnt to ash;
Now, although the room grows chilly,
I haven’t the heart to poke poor Willy.

Willy, did you feel no pain
Falling from that apple tree?
Will you do it, please, again?
‘Cos my friend here didn’t see.

I warned Willie ’bout the dock
He shouldn’t dive; he’d hit a rock.
Will could never take advice.
Guess I should’ve warned him twice.

Willie, in a rage insane,
Threw his head beneath the train.
All were quite surprised to find
How it broadened Willie’s mind.

Willy, on his way to Maine
Fell beneath the speeding train
All his family sorrow tasted
What with Willy’s ticket wasted.