Joke: More Deep Thoughts

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Google Maps and WAZE really need to skip the first four steps of their directions. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

I bet a lot more people would read the obituaries if they told you how the person died.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least a little bit tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after 4K Blu-ray? I really don’t want to have to restart my collection again.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I confess — I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than with Kay.

I sure wish my GPS had an “Avoid Bad Part of Town” routing option.

These days, I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Unfortunately, a package of Oreos solves either problem equally well.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. Especially jeans.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is when I look back up.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey — but you can bet that everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

The first testicular guard, the “cup,” was used in hockey in 1879, and helmets were first required in 1979. This means that it only took about 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.