(Editor’s note: I saw some of these a few years ago. When I became a new dad, they somehow got funnier!)
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am, too.
DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de kids play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you precisely on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him/her.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPRARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and he/she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: The milestone in an infant’s life when he/she is able to whine using words.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “Go get a towel.”