The following are (allegedly) actual entries from resumes and job applications over the past few years:
REASONS FOR LEAVING LAST JOB
– Responsibility makes me nervous.
– They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.
– Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
– I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
– The company made me a scapegoat — just like my three previous employers.
– Being in trouble with the law, I moved quite frequently.
– In my last position, got nowhere as part of a 60-person herd. Consequently, I did not give the company my full effort and received no chance of advancement in return.
– Please don’t regard my 14 positions as job hopping. I never once quit a job.
EDUCATION & QUALIFICATIONS
– Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten.
– Suspected to graduate early next year.
– I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.
– At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.
– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
– Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my boss does not know I am looking for another job.
– I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
SKILLS & ACCOMPLISHMENTS
– Proven ability to track down and correct erors.
– Proud recipient of the Gregg Award for speed typting.
– I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
– Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.
– I have never had a single blemish held against me and my IQ is off the charts.
– I am quick at typing, about 25 word per minute, 35 with caffeinated coffee.
– Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
– Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
TYPOS CHANGING THE MEANING
– Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
– Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
– Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
– Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
– I’m a rabid typist.
– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
– Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!