Job Application Bloopers…

The following are (allegedly) actual entries from resumes and job applications over the past few years:

REASONS FOR LEAVING LAST JOB

– Responsibility makes me nervous.

– They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.

– Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

– I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

– The company made me a scapegoat — just like my three previous employers.

– Being in trouble with the law, I moved quite frequently.

– In my last position, got nowhere as part of a 60-person herd. Consequently, I did not give the company my full effort and received no chance of advancement in return.

– Please don’t regard my 14 positions as job hopping. I never once quit a job.

EDUCATION & QUALIFICATIONS

– Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten.

– Suspected to graduate early next year.

– I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.

– At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.

– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

SPECIAL REQUESTS

– Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my boss does not know I am looking for another job.

– I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

SKILLS & ACCOMPLISHMENTS

– Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

– Proud recipient of the Gregg Award for speed typting.

– I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

– Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.

– I have never had a single blemish held against me and my IQ is off the charts.

– I am quick at typing, about 25 word per minute, 35 with caffeinated coffee.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES

– Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS

– Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

TYPOS CHANGING THE MEANING

– Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

– Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

– Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.

– Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

– I’m a rabid typist.

– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

– Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!