We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’re kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly feel something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the work poop is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work, we proudly present…
ZanyLand’s Survival Guide for Work Poop!
The following definitions will help you cope with the awkward, but necessary, realities of pooping at work.
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STRAIN: At times, poop will send you mixed messages. It tells you that it wants out of your body, but when you try to accommodate it, it decides to remain inside. As a result, you’re required to exert considerable abdominal force to relieve yourself. On rare occasions, a high-intensity STRAIN will result in unintentional grunts and/or moans. If this should happen in a populated bathroom, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has had time to clear the bathroom and get back to their cubicles.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or in a stall during a STRAIN. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a hidden police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the producer of the escapee at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it’s uncomfortable for everyone involved. Making a joke or laughing will only increase the awkwardness of the situation.
JAILBREAK: Several farts that slip out at a machine-gun pace (often occurs during a STRAIN or HAVANA OMELET). This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic! As with the STRAIN, simply remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so as to spare them the awkwardness of acknowledging what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant that the poop hits the water and is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air-time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help protect you from having to do the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you’ve just stunk the bathroom up to high heaven. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. Can be mitigated with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
STINCTIM: A person who enters an already-stinking bathroom a few seconds before another visitor and is made to do the WALK OF SHAME for a smell they didn’t create.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER (OCP): A colleague who poops at work and is proud of it. You will often see an OCP enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OCP before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your own sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most embarrassing moments that can happen during work poop. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid any uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: Poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion such as an ASTAIRE or CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH/ASTAIRE combination to reduce the effects, and always follow up with an immediate COURTESY FLUSH.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user (often an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER) who seems to linger around forever, usually spending inordinate lengths of time standing in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers, and leave if any are present. Be careful not to do this too often when other people are in the hallway as you may gain a reputation as a BATHROOM MONITOR.
BATHROOM MONITOR: A coworker who frequently checks the bathroom to see who’s using it, presumably to curry favor with management by snitching on frequent poopers.
BED OF REST: The creation of a hammock from toilet paper just above the water line, thus cushioning the fall of your poop. This can be effective in averting a possible WATERMELON incident; however, such a construction cannot be expected to cope with a HANAVA OMELET. Also, the complete lack of sound emanating from your stall may alert an UNCLE TED of suspicious activity. Discretion is advised before using this technique.