Political Science Explained Through Cows

DEMOCRATIC: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

IRANIAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in the country, which are two. You don’t milk them because you are not allowed to touch that part of the cows. You get a $40 billion grant from the US government to study alternatives to milk production but use the money to build nuclear reactors.

BELGIAN CORPORATION: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she’s French, other times she’s Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. After requesting permission to be cut in half, the cow dies happy.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION: You have lovely cows with no wrinkles and beautiful teeth. None of them produce milk because their udders are filled with silicone.

WASHINGTON DC CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.