55+ Funny Church Bulletin Bloopers

These are (allegedly) actual bloopers and typos from church bulletins around the country

1. Don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help.
2. Thursday night: Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
6. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
7. The Christian Youth Fellowship sexuality course will be held at 8 p.m. Please use the rear entrance.
8. Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
9. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
10. Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to become Little Mothers should meet with the Pastor in his study.
11. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward at the beginning of the service.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
13. Our evening service sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing “Break Forth With Joy.”
15. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
16. Reverend Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
17. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Sherman Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
18. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
19. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
20. Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
21. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
22. After-church advice: Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
23. Please welcome our special guest, Pastor Don McFee, a caring individual who loves hurting people.
24. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
25. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
26. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and has requested tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
27. The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
28. The middle school students will be performing Shakespeare’s Macbeth in the basement at 7 p.m. Please come see this tragedy.
29. We are asking for volunteers to call people who are not afflicted with any church.
30. After church service has begin, ushers will eat latecomers in the Fellowship Hall.
31. The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
32. Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”
33. Last Sunday’s choir concert was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
34. The Baptist Women met at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
35. If you need to contact the pastor while he is on vacation, please give massages to the church secretary.
36. The floral arrangement on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer
37. Wednesday the Ladies’ Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, “Put Me in My Little Bed” accompanied by the Pastor.
38. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.
39. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. in the dining hall. Please use the double door at the side entrance.
40. Please be in prayer for Mrs. Mabel Johnson, who will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
41. Our music director invites anyone in the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
42. The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
43. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
44. Rev. Smith unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge — Up Yours!”
45. Hymn #238: Angels We Have Heard Get High
46. Join us this evening for the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers’ farm. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
47. The Peacemakers meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
48. Today’s sermon topic: “Jesus Walks on Water.” Please join us for tonight’s meal, where Father Thomas will deliver a presentation: “Searching for Jesus.”
49. We’re pleased to welcome Nigerian missionary Bertha Belch, who will deliver a presentation this evening. So be sure to come early and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa!
50. The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
51. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!
52. Jean Templeton will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
53. The congregation is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
54. We have finished installing our new loudspeaker system, which was donated by Bill Presley in honor of his wife.
55. There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.
56. Tonight, the church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
57. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you wish to remember.
58. If you are going to be hospitalized for an extended stay, please contact the pastor. Special prayers are also available to those who are seriously sick by request.